4. Increased Criticism and Starting Fights
When someone is having an affair, they often need to justify their behavior to themselves. One way they do this is by finding fault with their spouse—creating reasons why the affair is somehow “deserved” or “understandable.”
Signs of this behavior:
Constant criticism:
- Suddenly nothing you do is right
- Criticizes things he never complained about before
- Points out your flaws or shortcomings regularly
- Compares you unfavorably to others
- Makes you feel like you can’t please him no matter what you do
Picking fights over nothing:
- Creates arguments about trivial things
- Seems to be looking for reasons to be angry
- Escalates minor disagreements into major fights
- Uses fights as excuses to leave the house
- Storms out during arguments and is gone for hours
Rewriting history:
- Claims he was “never really happy” in the marriage
- Says he “always had doubts” about the relationship
- Minimizes good times you shared together
- Acts like problems that didn’t exist are suddenly dealbreakers
- Makes you question your memory of your relationship
Blaming you for everything:
- Everything is your fault somehow
- Won’t take responsibility for his behavior
- Claims you’re “driving him away” with your suspicions
- Accuses you of being controlling, paranoid, or crazy
- Makes you feel like you’re the problem in the marriage
Emotional distance and contempt:
- Rolls his eyes when you talk
- Dismisses your feelings or concerns
- Shows disrespect in ways he didn’t before
- Seems annoyed by your presence
- Treats you like an inconvenience
Why therapists flag this: Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identifies “contempt” as one of the strongest predictors of divorce. When someone is having an affair, they often develop contempt for their spouse as a way to justify their betrayal. By making you the “bad guy” in their mind, they can rationalize their infidelity.
Marriage therapist Esther Perel notes that affair partners often villainize their spouse to reduce cognitive dissonance—the mental discomfort of knowing you’re betraying someone who doesn’t deserve it.
What’s normal vs. concerning:
Normal:
- Occasional disagreements or frustrations
- Constructive criticism delivered respectfully
- Stress that makes people occasionally short-tempered
Concerning:
- Sudden shift to constant criticism and contempt
- Creating fights that seem designed to justify leaving
- Rewriting your relationship history negatively
- Making you feel worthless or inadequate
- Blame-shifting that makes you question your own reality
The manipulation aspect: This behavior often includes gaslighting—making you doubt your perceptions and memories. If you find yourself constantly questioning whether you’re “too sensitive” or “imagining things,” that’s a red flag.
5. Changed Appearance and Sudden Self-Improvement
When someone begins an affair, they often become concerned with their appearance in ways they haven’t been in years. They want to look attractive for the new person in their life.
Warning signs:
Sudden interest in appearance:
- New clothes, especially underwear (who’s he dressing for?)
- New cologne or grooming products
- Starts going to the gym regularly (after years of not exercising)
- New haircut or style
- Buys new toiletries or skincare products
- Concerned about his weight when he wasn’t before
- Dresses better even for “casual” outings
Increased attention to hygiene:
- Showers immediately upon coming home (washing off perfume/scent)
- Brushes teeth more frequently
- Extra concerned about breath and body odor
- Uses mouthwash before leaving the house
- Always has gum or mints
New interests and activities:
- Suddenly likes music he dismissed before
- Interested in shows, books, or activities he never cared about
- Changes his style to seem younger or hipper
- Tries to lose weight or build muscle rapidly
- Suddenly concerned about aging
Self-improvement that excludes you:
- Doesn’t want you involved in his new activities
- New gym membership but doesn’t want you to come along
- Signs up for classes or groups without mentioning them to you
- Improvement seems aimed at impressing someone other than you
- Gets defensive when you comment on the changes
Financial red flags:
- New clothes with tags removed and hidden
- Credit card charges at stores he doesn’t normally shop at
- Unexplained ATM withdrawals
- Money spent on appearance without discussing it
- Defensive about spending
Why therapists flag this: While self-improvement is generally positive, the context matters. If your husband suddenly cares deeply about his appearance after years of complacency, and if this coincides with other suspicious behaviors, it may indicate he’s trying to impress someone new.
Dr. Ruth Houston, an infidelity expert, notes that affair partners typically go through a “courtship phase” even within affairs, where they want to look and feel their best for the new relationship.
What’s normal vs. concerning:
Normal:
- Gradual self-improvement
- Wanting to get healthier for legitimate reasons
- Updating wardrobe because clothes are old or worn
- Self-care that includes you or improves your relationship
Concerning:
- Sudden, dramatic changes with no clear explanation
- Improvement that specifically excludes you
- Defensive reactions when you notice or comment
- Changes that coincide with other suspicious behaviors
- Secrecy about purchases or new activities
The psychological aspect: Affairs often make people feel young, exciting, and attractive again. This feeling manifests in sudden concern about appearance and appeal. They’re essentially “dating” again, which triggers behaviors from earlier in their romantic life.
The telltale question: Ask yourself: Is he making these improvements to feel better about himself and our marriage, or does it feel like he’s preparing to attract or maintain someone else’s interest?