The Questions That Can Save Your Marriage
“Are you happy now?” worked for us, but the specific words aren’t magic. What matters is the spirit behind them—genuine curiosity, vulnerability, and a willingness to hear hard truths.
Other powerful questions to ask your spouse:
For opening conversations:
- “How are you really doing?”
- “What’s been on your mind lately?”
- “Is there something you’ve been wanting to tell me?”
- “What do you need from me that you’re not getting?”
For understanding their experience:
- “What’s the hardest part of your day?”
- “When do you feel most lonely?”
- “What makes you feel loved by me?”
- “What’s something I do that hurts you?”
For reconnecting:
- “What do you miss most about us?”
- “What was a moment when you felt really close to me?”
- “What do you need to feel closer to me?”
- “What’s one thing we could do together that would make you happy?”
For addressing problems:
- “What’s one thing that would make our marriage better?”
- “What’s something we need to talk about but keep avoiding?”
- “How can I support you better?”
- “What do you wish I understood about you?”
For looking forward:
- “What do you want our marriage to look like in five years?”
- “What’s a dream you have for us?”
- “What’s something you want us to do together that we’ve never done?”
The key principles:
1. Ask sincerely: These questions only work if you genuinely want to know the answer, not if you’re setting up an argument or trying to prove a point.
2. Listen without defensiveness: Your spouse needs to feel safe being honest. If they share something painful, resist the urge to explain, justify, or defend. Just listen.
3. Validate their feelings: You don’t have to agree with everything they feel, but you can acknowledge that their feelings are real and valid. “I hear you” and “That makes sense” go a long way.
4. Be willing to hear hard truths: Your spouse might share things that hurt or surprise you. Stay open. Remember: you asked because you want to know the truth, not because you want to hear what you already believe.
5. Share your truth too: Vulnerability should be mutual. After they answer, share your honest feelings too. Connection requires both people to be open.
6. Follow up with action: Asking questions means nothing if you don’t act on what you learn. If your spouse tells you what they need, work on providing it.
How to Have “The Conversation”
If you’re reading this and thinking, “I want to ask my spouse these questions but I don’t know how to start,” here’s a practical guide:
Choose the right moment:
- Pick a time when you’re both relatively calm and not rushed
- Not right after work when everyone’s stressed
- Not when kids are demanding attention
- Not when either of you is already upset about something
- Ideally: weekend morning, evening after dinner, or during a walk
Set the stage:
- Put away phones and turn off TV
- Sit facing each other or side-by-side (whatever feels comfortable)
- Make it clear you want to talk about something important
- Start with: “I want to talk about us. Are you open to that?”
Lead with vulnerability: Don’t launch into accusations. Start with your feelings:
- “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you lately and it’s bothering me”
- “I miss feeling close to you”
- “I’m worried about us and I want to talk about it”
Ask your question: Choose one question and ask it sincerely. Then be quiet and let them answer. Really listen.
Respond with openness:
- “Thank you for being honest with me”
- “I hear what you’re saying”
- “That must be really hard”
- “I didn’t realize you felt that way”
Share your truth: After they’ve spoken, share your honest feelings too.
End with commitment: “I want us to work on this. Are you willing to try with me?”
What if they won’t engage?
Some spouses might not be ready for this conversation. They might:
- Shut down
- Get defensive
- Refuse to participate
- Dismiss your concerns
If this happens:
- Don’t force it in the moment
- Express how important this is to you
- Suggest couples therapy as a safe space to talk
- Give them time to process
- Try again later
If your spouse consistently refuses to engage in honest conversation about your marriage, that itself tells you something important about the relationship.
When One Question Isn’t Enough: Getting Professional Help
While one powerful question opened the door for Tom and me, we couldn’t have rebuilt our marriage without professional help.
When to seek couples therapy:
- When patterns don’t change despite your efforts
- When every conversation becomes an argument
- When resentment feels too deep to resolve alone
- When you’re considering separation or divorce
- When there’s been infidelity
- When you want to improve a “good” marriage (preventive care!)
How therapy helped us:
Our therapist provided:
- A safe space for difficult conversations
- Tools for better communication
- Insight into our patterns and dynamics
- Homework to practice between sessions
- Accountability for making changes
- Hope when we felt stuck
Finding the right therapist:
Look for:
- Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT)
- Experience with long-term marriages
- Approach that fits your values
- Someone both spouses feel comfortable with
- Willingness to challenge both of you
Don’t stay with a therapist who:
- Takes sides
- Makes you feel judged
- Doesn’t provide practical tools
- Doesn’t hold both partners accountable
The investment:
Therapy isn’t cheap, but it’s cheaper than divorce. More importantly, it’s an investment in your future happiness. What’s that worth?
The Bottom Line: It’s Never Too Late
If you’d told me three years ago that my marriage could be saved—let alone be better than ever—I wouldn’t have believed you. Tom and I had written our relationship off as another casualty of time, stress, and complacency.
But asking that one sincere question—”Are you happy now?”—cracked open a possibility I’d given up on: that we could find our way back to each other.
What I learned:
1. Disconnection is gradual; reconnection requires intention: We drifted apart slowly, without noticing. Drifting back together doesn’t happen accidentally—you have to choose it actively.
2. Honesty is terrifying but essential: Admitting unhappiness felt like failure. But pretending everything was fine was killing our marriage. Truth, even painful truth, is the foundation of real intimacy.
3. Both people have to want it: I couldn’t save our marriage alone. Tom had to want it too. Thankfully, he did. But both partners must be willing to do the work.
4. Change takes time: There’s no quick fix. Rebuilding takes months or years, not days or weeks. Be patient with the process and with each other.
5. It’s worth it: The work was hard. The conversations were painful. But having my best friend and partner back—being in a marriage where I feel loved, seen, and valued—was worth every difficult moment.
For those considering giving up:
If you’re where I was three years ago—lonely, resentful, considering divorce—I want you to know:
It’s not too late. If there’s any love left, any willingness to try, any hope that things could be different, don’t give up yet.
Ask the question. Have the conversation. Get the help. Do the work.
Your marriage might surprise you. Mine certainly surprised me.
For those who try and it doesn’t work:
I also want to acknowledge: not every marriage can or should be saved. Sometimes you do the work and your spouse won’t. Sometimes the damage is too deep. Sometimes the healthiest choice is to let go.
But at least you’ll know you tried. At least you won’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?”
Your Turn: The Question You Need to Ask
Every struggling marriage is unique, but they often share common threads: disconnection, resentment, loneliness, and fear of being honest.
The question that saved my marriage might not be the exact question that saves yours. But the principle remains: genuine, vulnerable, curious connection is the antidote to disconnection.
So I’ll ask you:
Are you happy in your marriage now?
If the answer is no, what question do you need to ask your spouse?
Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Don’t wait until things get even worse. Don’t wait until you’re standing in a divorce attorney’s office with papers in your hand.
Ask now. Be honest. Listen openly. Get help if you need it.
Your marriage might be one conversation away from transformation.
Ours was.
What’s the question you need to ask? Share in the comments—you might inspire someone else to have the conversation they’ve been avoiding.
Reflection Questions for Your Marriage
Before you talk to your spouse, reflect on these:
About you:
- ☐ Am I happy in my marriage right now?
- ☐ What do I miss most about our relationship?
- ☐ What am I afraid to tell my spouse?
- ☐ What do I need that I’m not getting?
- ☐ Am I willing to do the work to rebuild connection?
About your spouse:
- ☐ Do I really know how they’re feeling?
- ☐ When was the last time I asked them a genuine question about their inner life?
- ☐ Am I making assumptions about what they think or feel?
- ☐ Am I willing to hear hard truths without getting defensive?
About your relationship:
- ☐ When did we start drifting apart?
- ☐ What patterns keep us stuck?
- ☐ What would need to change for us to feel connected again?
- ☐ Is there still love worth fighting for?
- ☐ Are we both willing to try?