After 35 years of marriage and countless conversations with my husband and his friends, I’ve learned something crucial: men want many things they’ll never verbally express. They’re taught from childhood to be strong, stoic, and self-sufficient—admitting emotional needs feels like weakness.
But these unspoken desires are real, powerful, and often the difference between a thriving relationship and one that’s merely surviving.
I’ve talked to relationship therapists, interviewed dozens of married men (who opened up when their wives weren’t around), and reflected on what my own husband has shown me through his actions rather than words. What I discovered surprised me.
These aren’t the superficial things you might expect. They’re deeper emotional needs that, when met, transform men into more present, affectionate, and committed partners.
Understanding what men secretly want—but won’t ask for—can be the key to unlocking a deeper, more satisfying relationship for both of you.
1. To Feel Respected (More Than Loved)
This might surprise you, but for most men, feeling respected is even more important than feeling loved.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need you to respect me more.”
But they feel it deeply when:
- You dismiss their opinions in front of others
- You criticize their competence or decisions
- You treat them like they’re incompetent
- You roll your eyes or use a condescending tone
- You undermine them in front of the kids
Why respect matters so much:
From childhood, boys learn that respect equals value. Their worth is often measured by competence, capability, and achievement. When a man doesn’t feel respected—especially by his partner—it cuts deeper than you might realize.
What relationship experts say:
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, in his book “Love and Respect,” explains that men are wired to need respect the way women need love. When a man feels disrespected, he often withdraws emotionally, creating the exact distance his partner didn’t want.
How to show respect:
✓ Ask for his opinion and actually consider it Don’t ask just to be polite, then do what you wanted anyway. Genuinely value his input.
✓ Don’t criticize him publicly Save disagreements for private conversations. Public criticism is deeply humiliating for most men.
✓ Acknowledge his strengths Recognize what he does well. “You’re really good at…” goes a long way.
✓ Let him solve problems When he’s trying to fix something (literally or figuratively), don’t immediately take over or suggest he’s doing it wrong.
✓ Speak well of him to others Men pay attention to how you talk about them to friends and family. Positive words matter.
What men have told me:
“I can handle my wife being upset with me. What I can’t handle is feeling like she thinks I’m incompetent or stupid. That makes me want to check out completely.” – Mark, 52
“When my wife respects my decisions and treats me like a capable adult, I feel ten feet tall. I’d do anything for her.” – David, 61
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The impact:
When a man feels respected, he becomes more emotionally available, more affectionate, and more willing to meet your needs. It’s a positive cycle: respect breeds connection, which breeds more love and respect.
2. To Be Your Hero (Even in Small Ways)
Men have a deep-seated need to feel useful, capable, and needed. They want to be your hero—not in grand, dramatic ways, but in everyday moments.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need to feel like I can help you and make you happy.”
But they light up when:
- You ask them to help with something (and appreciate it)
- They solve a problem for you
- They make you smile or laugh
- You tell them they made your day better
- They feel needed rather than optional
The hero instinct explained:
Psychologist James Bauer calls this the “hero instinct”—men’s fundamental need to feel like protectors and providers. In modern life, there are fewer opportunities for this, making small moments even more important.
Why men need this:
Throughout human history, men’s value was tied to providing and protecting. While society has evolved, this psychological wiring remains. When a man feels he can’t “help” or “fix” anything for you, he feels unnecessary and often withdraws.
How to let him be your hero:
✓ Ask for help (even when you don’t need it) “Can you open this jar?” “Can you help me move this?” It seems small, but it matters.
✓ Show genuine appreciation “You make me feel so safe.” “I love that you took care of that.” “You always know how to fix things.”
✓ Let him solve problems sometimes When you’re venting, sometimes add: “Do you have any ideas?” He wants to help, not just listen.
✓ Celebrate his victories When he accomplishes something (big or small), celebrate it. Your pride in him means everything.
✓ Need him specifically “I need YOU to…” rather than “Someone needs to…” Make it clear he’s uniquely valuable.
What men have told me:
“My wife is super capable and independent, which I love. But sometimes I feel like she doesn’t need me at all, and that hurts. I want to feel useful to her.” – Tom, 58
“The times I feel closest to my wife are when I’ve done something that made her happy or solved a problem for her. It makes me feel like I matter.” – Robert, 63
The balance:
You can be independent AND let him feel needed. These aren’t mutually exclusive. Strong women can ask for help—it doesn’t diminish you; it strengthens your connection.
3. Physical Affection (Beyond Sex)
This surprises many women, but men crave non-sexual physical touch more than they’ll ever admit.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need more hugs and physical affection that doesn’t lead to sex.”
But they feel deeply connected when you:
- Hold their hand
- Hug them without it being a prelude to sex
- Touch their arm or shoulder while talking
- Cuddle on the couch
- Give them a kiss just because
- Run your fingers through their hair
- Rest your head on their shoulder
Why this matters:
Men receive far less non-sexual touch than women do. Women hug friends, hold hands with children, get hugs from family. Men? Their primary source of affectionate touch is usually their partner—period.
The touch deficit:
Studies show that men in relationships report feeling “touch-starved” when physical affection is only connected to sex. They want to be touched in ways that say “I love you” rather than “I want something.”
What relationship therapists say:
“Men desperately need non-sexual physical affection, but they’ve been socialized to only request or expect sexual touch. This leaves them emotionally and physically starved for simple affection,” says Dr. Kory Floyd, a researcher who studies affection.
How to show physical affection:
✓ Random hugs Hug him from behind while he’s cooking or working. No reason needed.
✓ Hold hands In the car, while watching TV, during walks. Simple hand-holding is powerful.
✓ Touch while talking Put your hand on his arm or knee during conversations. Physical connection enhances emotional connection.
✓ Greet him with affection When he comes home, greet him with a hug and kiss. Make reunions meaningful.
✓ Cuddle without expectations Snuggle on the couch without it leading to sex. He needs to know affection doesn’t always have an agenda.
What men have told me:
“I wish my wife understood that sometimes I just want a hug. I don’t always want it to lead to sex. Sometimes I just need to feel close to her.” – Michael, 55
“When my wife grabs my hand or gives me a random kiss, I feel loved in a way that words can’t express. I wish it happened more.” – James, 60
The impact:
Men who receive regular non-sexual physical affection are more emotionally open, less likely to be withdrawn, and actually more interested in sex (because they feel emotionally connected).