9. To Not Always Be the Strong One
Men are exhausted from always having to be strong, stoic, and “fine.”
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I’m tired, scared, overwhelmed, or struggling—and I need permission to not be strong right now.”
But they’re drowning when:
- Everyone depends on them to hold it together
- They can’t show weakness or vulnerability
- They’re expected to have all the answers
- They can’t admit they’re struggling
The strong man myth:
From boyhood, men learn: “Don’t cry.” “Be tough.” “Handle it.” By adulthood, many men have learned to suppress all vulnerability—even from their partners.
What men need:
✓ Permission to not be okay “It’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”
✓ Safety to be vulnerable Create an environment where he can admit fear, sadness, or uncertainty without judgment.
✓ To not always fix things Sometimes he doesn’t have the answer, and that’s okay.
✓ Support during hard times When he’s struggling, be his soft place to land rather than another person he has to be strong for.
How to create safety:
✓ Normalize vulnerability Share your own struggles openly. Model that vulnerability is safe.
✓ Don’t weaponize weakness Never use his vulnerability against him in arguments. Do this once, and he’ll never be vulnerable again.
✓ Check in genuinely “How are you really doing?” said with genuine concern, not as a casual greeting.
✓ Offer support “What can I do to help?” “Do you need anything?” “I’m here if you want to talk.”
What men have told me:
“I’m tired of always being the strong one. I have problems too, but if I show them, everyone falls apart. So I just keep pretending I’m fine.” – Matthew, 65
“I wish I could tell my wife when I’m scared or overwhelmed, but I’m afraid she’ll see me as weak.” – Patrick, 59
The impact:
When men feel safe being vulnerable, they’re more emotionally present, more connected, and ironically, more capable of being strong when it actually matters.
10. To Know You’re Happy and Satisfied
Above all, men want to know that you’re happy—especially that they’re contributing to that happiness.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need to know that I’m making you happy and that you’re satisfied with our life together.”
But they’re constantly worried:
- Are you happy with them?
- Are they failing you somehow?
- Is the relationship okay?
- Are you thinking about leaving?
Why this matters:
Men often measure their success as partners by their partner’s happiness. When they’re unsure if you’re happy, they feel like failures—even if nothing is actually wrong.
The reassurance men need:
✓ “I’m happy” Say it explicitly: “I’m happy with you.” “I’m happy with our life.”
✓ “You make me happy” Specific attribution: “You make me laugh.” “You make me feel loved.”
✓ “I love our life together” General satisfaction: “I love what we’ve built together.”
✓ “I’m not going anywhere” Security: “I’m committed to us.” “We’re in this together.”
✓ “I choose you” Affirmation: “I’d choose you again.” “You’re my person.”
How to provide reassurance:
✓ Express satisfaction regularly Don’t assume he knows. Say it: “I’m really happy right now.”
✓ Appreciate the relationship “I love being married to you.” “I’m so glad we’re together.”
✓ Share joy When you’re happy, let him see it and know he’s part of it.
✓ Address concerns directly If something’s wrong, say so. Don’t make him guess or worry.
What men have told me:
“I never know if my wife is actually happy with me or just tolerating me. She doesn’t complain, but she doesn’t say she’s happy either. It’s exhausting wondering.” – Nathan, 63
“The best thing my wife ever says is ‘I’m happy.’ Those two words make everything I do feel worth it.” – Scott, 56
The impact:
When men know you’re happy and satisfied, they relax, engage more fully, and feel successful as partners. This creates positive energy in the entire relationship.
Why Men Don’t Ask for These Things
Understanding what men want is one thing—understanding why they don’t ask is another.
The socialization factor:
From boyhood, men learn:
- “Big boys don’t cry”
- “Man up”
- “Don’t be weak”
- “Handle it yourself”
- “Don’t burden others with your problems”
These messages create adults who suppress needs and avoid vulnerability.
Fear of rejection:
Men fear that expressing emotional needs will:
- Make them seem weak or needy
- Burden their partners
- Lead to rejection or ridicule
- Be used against them later
Lack of emotional vocabulary:
Many men genuinely don’t have the words to express emotional needs. They weren’t taught emotional literacy.
Pride and self-sufficiency:
Men are taught to be self-sufficient. Admitting they need something (especially emotionally) conflicts with their identity.
Past experiences:
Many men tried expressing needs before and were shut down, dismissed, or ridiculed. Once burned, they stop trying.
How to Help Him Open Up
If you want your partner to express his needs, create an environment where it’s safe.
Create safety:
✓ Never mock vulnerability If he opens up, never laugh, dismiss, or belittle what he shares.
✓ Don’t weaponize it Never use his vulnerability against him in arguments.
✓ Respond with compassion When he shares something difficult, respond with understanding, not judgment.
✓ Ask gentle questions “What do you need right now?” “How can I support you?”
✓ Model vulnerability Share your own needs openly. Show him it’s safe.
Be patient:
Opening up is scary for men. If he doesn’t immediately start sharing, don’t push. Create consistent safety, and he’ll open up when ready.
Celebrate small steps:
When he does share something vulnerable, appreciate it: “Thank you for telling me that. I know it’s not easy.”
The Bottom Line: Understanding Creates Connection
These ten things men secretly want—respect, feeling like your hero, physical affection, being listened to, appreciation, alone time, feeling desired, support for dreams, permission to be vulnerable, and knowing you’re happy—aren’t complicated or unreasonable.
But because men rarely express these needs, partners often don’t know they exist.
The transformation:
When these needs are met:
- Men become more emotionally available
- Communication improves
- Affection increases
- Connection deepens
- Conflict decreases
- Intimacy (emotional and physical) improves
The effort:
Meeting these needs doesn’t require grand gestures. It’s about:
- Showing respect daily
- Expressing appreciation regularly
- Offering affection freely
- Creating safety for vulnerability
- Supporting his dreams
- Validating his feelings
The reciprocity:
When you meet his unspoken needs, he’s more likely to meet yours. It creates a positive cycle of mutual care and understanding.
Start today:
Pick one thing from this list and intentionally do it for the next week. Watch how he responds. Then add another. Small, consistent actions create profound changes.
Understanding what men want—and giving it freely—can transform your relationship into the partnership you both truly desire.
Men: What would you add to this list? Women: Which of these surprised you? Share in the comments!
Quick Action Guide
This Week, Try:
- ☐ Show respect by asking his opinion and truly considering it
- ☐ Express appreciation for something specific he does
- ☐ Initiate physical affection (hug, hold hands) without expecting more
- ☐ Tell him one thing you appreciate about him
- ☐ Give him guilt-free alone time
This Month:
- ☐ Tell him you’re happy with him/your life together
- ☐ Support one of his goals or dreams actively
- ☐ Listen to him without trying to fix something
- ☐ Compliment him (appearance, ability, character)
- ☐ Create safety for him to be vulnerable
Long-term:
- ☐ Make respect and appreciation daily habits
- ☐ Build physical affection into your routine
- ☐ Regularly affirm your satisfaction and commitment
- ☐ Continue creating safety for emotional expression