4. To Be Listened To (Without Fixing or Judging)
Ironically, men want what they’re notoriously bad at giving: someone to listen without trying to fix or judge.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need you to just listen when I talk about my problems or feelings.”
But they shut down when:
- You immediately offer solutions
- You tell them what they “should” do
- You dismiss their feelings as wrong
- You turn it into a criticism of them
- You make it about you
Why men don’t share:
Men learn early that sharing feelings makes them vulnerable to judgment, dismissal, or being told they’re wrong. So they stop sharing—especially with partners who react poorly.
What men need:
When a man finally opens up (which is rare), he needs:
- To be heard without interruption
- To have his feelings validated, not fixed
- To not be judged for how he feels
- To know you won’t use it against him later
- To feel safe being vulnerable
How to listen effectively:
✓ Just listen Resist the urge to immediately solve or advise. Sometimes he just needs to process out loud.
✓ Validate his feelings “That sounds really frustrating.” “I can see why you’d feel that way.” “That must be hard.”
✓ Don’t judge Even if you disagree with his perspective, validate that he feels that way.
✓ Ask if he wants advice “Do you want me to brainstorm solutions, or do you just need to vent?” Let him choose.
✓ Create safety Never weaponize his vulnerability later in arguments. If you do this once, he’ll never open up again.
What men have told me:
“I stopped telling my wife about work stress because she immediately tells me everything I’m doing wrong and what I should do differently. I just wanted her to listen.” – Paul, 57
“The rare times my wife just listens without judging or fixing, I feel so close to her. I wish I could tell her more, but it’s scary to be vulnerable.” – Steven, 64
The irony:
Men often fail to do this for their partners (they jump to fixing), but they desperately need it themselves. Model the listening you want to receive.
5. Words of Affirmation and Appreciation
Men rarely receive compliments or words of appreciation. They’re starving for them.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need you to tell me I’m doing a good job and that you appreciate me.”
But they glow when you:
- Thank them specifically for things they do
- Compliment them (appearance, abilities, character)
- Tell them you’re proud of them
- Acknowledge their efforts
- Express gratitude regularly
Why this matters:
Men’s worth is often tied to performance and achievement. In the workplace, they might get recognition. At home? Often silence or criticism.
The appreciation deficit:
A man can mow the lawn, fix the car, work overtime, and help with dinner—all without a single word of appreciation. Eventually, he feels taken for granted and stops trying.
What men need to hear:
✓ “Thank you” For specific things: “Thank you for taking out the trash.” “Thank you for working so hard for our family.”
✓ “I appreciate you” General appreciation: “I appreciate everything you do for us.”
✓ “You’re really good at…” Acknowledge his strengths: “You’re really good with the kids.” “You’re so handy—I love that.”
✓ “I’m proud of you” This is incredibly powerful for men: “I’m proud of how hard you work.” “I’m proud to be your wife.”
✓ “You look good” Men need to hear this too: “You look handsome.” “I love that shirt on you.”
How often?
Daily. Multiple times daily. You can’t over-appreciate someone.
What men have told me:
“My wife tells me all the things I don’t do or don’t do right. I can’t remember the last time she thanked me or said she appreciated me. It makes me not want to try anymore.” – Richard, 59
“When my wife compliments me or says she’s proud of me, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I wish she knew how much those words mean to me.” – Daniel, 56
The impact:
Men who feel appreciated become more attentive, more affectionate, and more motivated to please their partners. Appreciation creates a positive feedback loop.
6. Space and Time Alone (Without Guilt)
Men need alone time to recharge—but they feel guilty asking for it because they don’t want to hurt you.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need time alone where I’m not doing anything productive or being with anyone.”
But they desperately need:
- Time to just exist without talking or doing
- Hobbies or activities alone
- Space to decompress after work
- Permission to do nothing without feeling guilty
Why men need this:
For most men, social interaction (even with loved ones) requires energy. They need solitude to recharge—not because they don’t love you, but because they’re wired differently.
The introvert factor:
Even extroverted men often need alone time after being “on” all day. This is especially true for men in high-stress jobs or with demanding schedules.
What men need:
✓ Guilt-free alone time Let him have his garage time, golf game, or quiet hour without making him feel bad about it.
✓ Decompression time after work Give him 15-30 minutes to transition from work mode to home mode before bombarding him with questions or tasks.
✓ Support for his hobbies Even if you don’t understand why he likes working on cars, fishing, or gaming—support it. These activities restore him.
✓ Understanding that space isn’t rejection When he needs alone time, it’s not about you. It’s about maintaining his mental health.
How to handle this:
✓ Ask what he needs “Do you need some alone time to recharge?” Make it a normal conversation.
✓ Don’t take it personally His need for space isn’t about not wanting to be with you.
✓ Schedule it Build alone time into your routine so it’s predictable and guilt-free.
✓ Take your own alone time Model healthy boundaries by taking your own space too.
What men have told me:
“I love my wife and kids, but sometimes I just need to be alone for a bit. I feel guilty saying that, so I just withdraw, which makes things worse.” – Greg, 62
“When my wife encourages me to go do my thing without making me feel guilty, I come back recharged and ready to be present with her.” – Andrew, 54
The balance:
Healthy relationships include togetherness AND separateness. Supporting his need for alone time actually strengthens your connection.
7. To Feel Sexually Desired (Not Just Tolerated)
Men want to feel sexually desired—actively wanted, not just passively allowed.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need to feel like you actually want me sexually, not just that you’re willing to have sex.”
But they notice when:
- You initiate (or never initiate)
- You’re enthusiastic vs. just going through the motions
- You compliment their body or attractiveness
- You make them feel desirable vs. obligatory
The desire gap:
Many men feel like sex is something they have to ask for, negotiate, or convince their partner to do—like a favor. This makes them feel unwanted and unattractive.
Why this hurts:
For most men, sexual connection equals emotional connection. When they don’t feel sexually desired, they feel rejected on a deeper level than just physical.
What men need:
✓ Initiation Even occasionally, initiate sex. Show him you want him, not just that you’ll go along with what he wants.
✓ Enthusiasm Engage actively rather than passively. Show him you’re enjoying yourself and desiring him.
✓ Compliments Tell him he’s attractive, sexy, or that you find him desirable. Men need to hear this too.
✓ Interest in his pleasure Show genuine interest in what he enjoys. Make his pleasure matter to you.
✓ Spontaneity Occasional spontaneity shows desire more than scheduled intimacy.
How to show desire:
✓ Flirt with him Send a suggestive text. Touch him meaningfully. Let him know you’re thinking about him.
✓ Compliment his body “You look good in that.” “I love your arms.” “You’re sexy.”
✓ Initiate sometimes Don’t make him always be the one to start. Showing you want him is powerful.
✓ Be present during intimacy Put away distractions and be mentally and emotionally present.
What men have told me:
“I don’t just want sex—I want to feel wanted. I want my wife to desire me, not just tolerate me.” – Brian, 58
“The times my wife initiates or clearly shows she wants me are the times I feel most loved. It’s not about the sex—it’s about feeling desired.” – Chris, 61
The impact:
Men who feel sexually desired are more emotionally available, more affectionate outside the bedroom, and more attentive to their partner’s needs overall.
8. Support for Their Dreams and Goals
Men want someone who believes in them and supports their ambitions—even when those dreams seem impractical.
What this looks like:
Men won’t say: “I need you to believe in me and support what I want to do.”
But they feel crushed when:
- You dismiss their dreams as unrealistic
- You’re the voice of “reason” that always says no
- You don’t believe they can achieve something
- You prioritize practicality over their passion
Why this matters:
Men often tie their identity to achievement and purpose. Having a partner who believes in them fuels their confidence and ambition. Having one who doesn’t crushes their spirit.
What men need:
✓ Belief in their abilities “I know you can do this.” “You’re capable of achieving that.”
✓ Support for reasonable risks Sometimes he needs to try something that might fail. Support the attempt.
✓ Celebration of goals When he sets a goal (big or small), celebrate it rather than pointing out obstacles.
✓ Encouragement during pursuit Check in on his progress. Ask about his goals. Show genuine interest.
How to support him:
✓ Ask about his dreams “If you could do anything, what would it be?” Then actually listen.
✓ Don’t immediately problem-solve When he shares a dream, don’t immediately list all the reasons it won’t work.
✓ Celebrate small wins Acknowledge progress toward goals, not just final achievements.
✓ Be his biggest cheerleader Believe in him when he doesn’t believe in himself.
What men have told me:
“I wanted to start a small business. My wife immediately listed all the reasons it would fail. I never brought it up again. That hurt.” – Kevin, 60
“When I told my wife I wanted to run a marathon, she said ‘Really? At your age?’ I did it anyway, but her doubt hurt more than she knows.” – Eric, 57
The power of belief:
Men who have partners who believe in them accomplish more, take healthier risks, and feel more satisfied in their relationships.